Transcript
I think we've all heard the old adage that little kindness goes a long way. But what happens when that's just not the case, when you're in a position, and someone is telling you that you're just not meeting their standards, or that you didn't do the right thing, or that you're not the right fit for the job or the relationship, it's not only painful for your ego, but it also can leave a really lasting mark.
And what's worse is when they make it personal. I think we've all been there. I know for myself, words that people have spoken to me have played over and over, in my mind, kind of like this non stop loop. And they were the words that I wanted to forget the most, but that I had the hardest time letting go of, have you ever felt so defeated and discouraged, like you've put yourself out there, you've done all the things that you need to do, and you ended up becoming someone else's punching bag.
And deep down, you know that, even though it's not right what they're doing, you feel for some reason, like you deserve their critical feedback. I know that's crazy. But I know that I have, and that maybe, just maybe you've done something to provoke them to say this to you like you've actually made it happen. And the more you try to please them, and make yourself smaller and smaller and smaller, the worse it seems to get, because nothing ever pleases them. And what makes it even worse is that this is a person that you've put your trust in, maybe you've put them on some sort of a pedestal.
Maybe it's an authority figure in your life, like your parent or a boss, a leader in your life in some sort of community or church organization, a supervisor, a partner, so when you love a pastor, or even a coach, before we go too deep into the episode today, I really wanted to start by saying that this episode could potentially be triggering to anyone who has ever experienced manipulation, spiritual or emotional abuse.
My intention with this episode is to share part of my story, but also to really teach you how you can safely deal with feedback, whether that's negative or positive. And we know that more often than not, feedback can feel negative, even if that's not the intention. So in talking about this, I may hit on some hard things. And I really, really want you to feel safe in your process.
And if you're going through something right now, or you're still in an unresolved issue, or relationship, or you've had a trauma that it just doesn't feel right for you to be listening at this point, I want to encourage you to go ahead and hit pause on this episode for now, maybe come back to it later. And just know that I am sending you so much love right now.
Now, if you're still here, I really want to pledge to do my best to help you through this really toxic minefield.
Over the years, I've talked quite a bit about my own journey. And I started as an educator, but I also spent a good amount of time in ministry both while I was teaching, and full time after I stopped teaching.
But there was one particular time one place where I felt like I completely lost who I was, like I became a fraction of the person I had been. And although it was only like nine months of my life, it felt like an absolute eternity because of this relationship that I had with my pastor who is also my boss, and it has left an imprint on my soul. Now just to share a little bit of the story with you. I had recently moved from Missouri where I'd spent almost a decade to Tennessee. I was so excited to be in Memphis I starting a new chapter of my life and I had gotten a job and an inner city church in Memphis. The church and parsonage was located on the same property and it was in the probably in this area of town that was really racially segregated and even as I'm just even sharing it and recording and I feel kind of the emotions coming back up now.
My job at the church, what I was hired for was to lead worship on Sundays. And also to help the pastor with, you know, any miscellaneous things like helping grow the church because it had gotten really low in numbers.
And they had a government subsidized daycare that also ran out of the church, which was pretty much the way I was going to be paid was through the the daycare. So I was also going to be teaching music to the kids in the daycare. Now, that was only just part of my job. The other part of my job was actually being employed at a school which was in a rural part of town. And that was about 20 minutes away from where I lived. So it was two very, very different worlds.
Now, the pastor that I worked for him, seemed great at first, like, I really connected with him and his family, when I was moving from Missouri to Tennessee, he sent a big truck and picked up all my stuff and drove it all the way. I mean, like, it was just amazing. I felt like, okay, these are my people, these are the people that like, really, really drew me in, you know, like, they're going to be family, right.
And they really wanted to have me over and have dinner with them had two kids and was kind of like this thing that we were going to do once a week. But as I got involved, more and more involved, and as I started to get to know them, I felt a little bit smothered by him especially. And it kind of went from you know, being that I was brought into their family to like being expected to be at the church being expected to be at their house being expected to do all of these things. And I felt like I was losing my autonomy and my independence. And there was even a security camera that was placed on the property of the church, which was I'm sure to help you know, with any, you know, property being vandalized, or potential break ins or anything, but it was definitely monitoring my comings and goings where I lived, which was in the parsonage.
Now, if I ever had any spare days off from teaching at the school, my pastor would expect me to be at the church and working. So it wasn't like I just had time off from my other job, I also had to work and fill that other time. So there were times where I would no joke, I would just go shopping, just to make sure that I was even on the property. So he would think I was at school. Andall of my time was supposed to be devoted to the surface of the church.
But only that but I would receive this like weekly guidance and mentorship from him. And, you know, in some ways, like, you know, it's expected, but also it felt a little bit unsolicited, because everything, like absolutely everything I was doing was scrutinized. Every detail of what I was doing was talked about, to the way I played the piano to the people I talked to in the church to the songs I chose how fast or slow I played them, whether or not people had engaged with the music or engaged with me afterwards. I mean, the list goes on. And we would have, you know, ad nauseum conversations about what I did or didn't do.
And soon our weekly meetings actually became more of an opportunity for the pastor to tell me what I was doing wrong. And so I dreaded meeting with him. And week after week, I tried to adjust and change everything I was doing to meet the requirements he was setting up before me, even though he had zero musical knowledge. Everything I did was on the table, and if anything ever went wrong in any capacity, it was like it was my fault.
Well, okay, I'll just leave it there because there's so much more that happened. But over the course of those nine months, which felt like an eternity, like I mentioned, there came a point where I honestly I just couldn't take it anymore. Like it was I was so stressed out.
One day when I was in my house, I noticed that I had these like welts under my bra strap and I had the shooting pain in my back and across my chest. So I asked some friends to take a look at these bumps and it turns out that I had shingles. And since I didn't have any medical insurance, there was really nothing I could do about it.
And I was so stressed out about it and I called home and you know having a discussion with my parents. I mean like everything was dependent on me being there and having that job in order to stay in the in the States. But my parents were like you can't do this like not worth your health. So I decided that I would tell him that I was quitting. Of course, you can imagine how that went down. That was literally like the worst case scenario.
Now, this may seem like a little bit of a stretch, but maybe there are parts of my story that you can also relate to, maybe you've actually found yourself giving the best parts of yourself to an organization, to a church to a job, to a relationship with someone, whether it's intimate or just a friendship. And the feedback that you're getting always, always seems to center around the fact that you are not measuring up some way, or somehow.
And even though you feel like you have so much to offer, you know, your gifts are being undervalued, underutilized. And in the meantime, your self worth is taking a huge hit, because you're under the leadership or mentorship of someone who is exhibiting this incredibly toxic behavior. So I want to ask you, if that is you, if you have felt yourself in that position, or if you feel like you're in that position right now? How is your body, your soul and your spirit, receiving this negative feedback?
My friend, what I want to talk to you today about is not just about how to receive feedback, it's really about what happens when people are speaking these negative words to you, and how it can derail you from doing what it is that you know, you should be doing. Whether it's starting a business, whether it's writing a book, whether it's being in a really healthy relationship, whether it's leaving an organization, a church, a relationship, whatever it is, these words can tie you to really just spinning your wheels for weeks, months, years, decades.
SoI want to talk about this. I know this is like a touchy subject. But maybe you've feel like maybe you feel like you've already given everything you have to this relationship to a community to a church. And you bought in hook, line and sinker. So you just be willing to do pretty much everything, anything and everything that is asked or required of you.
But in the process, you're getting negative harsh feedback, like you're not pulling your weight, toeing the line. And maybe even you wonder if your work is subpar. It's actually making you feel like what you have to offer is not good enough. Like you're not a good leader, like you're not a good person, like you're not qualified or called, oh my gosh, like the list goes on. And if you question them in any way, there is absolutely hell to pay.
So here's the hard truth. You're not in a relationship with someone who is safe in any way, shape, or form. And you may be taking their abuse, their manipulation, and becoming the scapegoat for their really bad inexcusable behavior. And I know it's probably slowly eating away at you. And you may be even putting up some walls trying to keep other people out, save people even because you don't want any input of any kind. And further to that you may feel as though you don't even trust people anymore. People who you love people who love you. And it's not a problem of whether or not you can take critical feedback. The problem is that you're not safe, where you are.
And the feedback that you are getting is slowly destroying your confidence. Now I see this happening with so many women all the time, women that I coach, women that I've mentored over the years women that I've been in church with friends, you name it, because everyone at one time or another ends up being in a relationship that they wish they had not been in whether it's at work or an intimate relationship or with a friend with a parent, and it really erodes their self esteem. Not only does it erode their self esteem, but it also has the potential of killing their dreams, their desires, what they believe is possible for their lives.
And this happens in toxic partnerships with bosses who are unfit to be in leadership. And within the walls of the church, sadly, and I've seen it happen time and time again. And in families, so it's everywhere. And what this does, is it actually silences women, it, it, it's one of those things where you lose your voice, you lose the ability to share what you have to offer the world, whether that's through your actions through your own personal story with just even putting your gifts out into the world. And it keeps women from stepping out, puts them in a box, and they stop pursuing their dreams. And I don't even know why. And I want to almost like shout from the rooftops, like, You have no idea how angry this makes me and how frustrated I get when I see women who are not working in their giftings when they are not out there using their talents, gifts and abilities, because someone said something to them, that they believe to be true about themselves, when that person was really just probably projecting to them their own stuff.
And almost nearly every coaching session that I have, this comes up in one way or another. So it always doesn't always look the same. And we've become so afraid to get feedback that we end up isolating ourselves, from people from coaches, mentors, who can truly help us shift our mindset and shift what we believe to be true about ourselves and our lives. And I did the exact same thing, until I met my friend Jackie.
Now I need to tell you about Jackie. Jackie is honestly one of the most incredible women I've ever met. And I was introduced to her through a mutual friend when I was living in Memphis. And it was coincidentally around the same time that I was going through this church drama, this horrific experience. And in fact, she was one of the women who did, you know, tell me, Andrea, this is you've got shingles, and we've got to get you out of there. And she helped me to like plan my escape basically.
Now Jackie is about 20 years, my senior, and she doesn't take shit from anyone if she hears me say that she's probably gonna say, Andrea, you shouldn't be cussing on the podcast. But she's literally one of the strongest women I know to this day. And not because she is not beyond breaking. Because she has been broken. And she's risen. And she continues to rise. She's been there, she knows what it's like to be put down to be pushed down to go through illness and to go through mindset and spiritual abuse. And I mean, she's, she knows her stuff. And at the end of the day, she knows where her value and her truth is. And her faith is so important to her.
Now, when Jackie and I first started talking, I was really skeptical, like I kept my distance. And I really was not wanting her to be my friend. And she could see that hesitation. In fact, she called me out on it at one point, because she instinctively knew that I needed to be handled with love and extreme care at that point. And that's exactly what she did. I was at a point in my life where I was really disillusioned with the people in my life. I had had another female mentor, who had been really manipulative, and now I was in a situation in the church that was really toxic. And I obviously, at some point in time had, you know, learned that it was okay that people treated me this way and spoke to me this way.
And she could tell that somewhere buried underneath all of that, that I was really, really alone. And I was really dealing with a lot of trauma. And I'm not sure what kind of resolve it took for Jackie to walk me through the healing process. But she, she stuck to it. She was there she she really just held space for me. And she was a mentor when like we just didn't really call it a mentoring relationship. But like I went places with her I did ministry with her. She taught me She listened, she just loved on me, she fed me she did all the things that someone who really loves and cares for you would do. And over the next two years, she really nursed me back to health, emotionally, spiritually, financially, helping me to expect more of myself, to not play the victim in the story of my life back, that was a huge thing that Jackie showed me. And that I didn't have to live under that oppressive mentality, that I could learn to speak for myself, whether it was with my family, in church, in leadership, in so many ways, like, I honestly think she saved me like truly.
And maybe that is what you feel like you need to someone just to come alongside of you like just to like link arms with you. And say to you, you know, it is possible for you to trust again. And it's possible for you to be in relationship, again, with someone who genuinely is interested in you, who you are and your success in your growth. And being around Jackie showed me the value and the power, of relationship, of community and of coaching and mentorship. Like, I wasn't even a coach back then, like I was still teaching, I didn't even hadn't even really gone into full time ministry at that point. But like, she was already laying the groundwork for what I do today, like I'm just even thinking about that now. And going like all of the stuff that I had to go through, and the women and mentors and coaches I've met along the way, have been so instrumental at like laying the foundation, and also helping me heal through some of the stuff that I've gone through. And right now, you might be standing on the sidelines, because you're afraid to get back in the game, kind of like I was, you're afraid to get hurt, you're afraid that you're going to be shut down. And you can't risk someone wounding your spirit.
Not only are you paralyzed by fear, but you are feeling like life is slowly passing you by. And your dreams are really on hold. So I don't want you to feel that way. Gosh, I hate that you're feeling that way. If you are or if you're even feeling like you've been there like and you're like, Andrea, I totally know what you're talking about this is. And so maybe you're not there. Now, maybe you've been there. But there are times when you're like retriggered, by people. By hearing stories, by hearing comments by people's just aggressive behavior. I know that there's some times where people will say things and I'm like, oh my that is so triggering to me.
So I just really want to just encourage you, that you can find the healing and the freedom that you need. And that it is possible for you to trust again, in relationships, whether it's in business, or personally or within the church. And yes, it's going to take work, because you're going to have to really shift those mindsets. But you're also going to act differently in those relationships. And that's really important. So maybe, it's that you need to call your therapist and book an appointment and say, okay, like, I've got to unpack all this stuff. And really get to the heart of what has been holding you back. or reach out to someone who has been a trusted mentor in your life, ask them to go for coffee, virtual coffee at this point, and just talk through some things. And really ask them about their own experience with getting feedback or being emotionally or spiritually manipulated or abused.
Or it could be that you need a coach right now. And it's like, Okay, I'm at a place where I'm feeling like I have healing. But I do have mindset issues that are holding me back from launching something from putting my gifts into the world from really living into the true essence of my purpose, my potential in everything that I really feel compelled to do. That's what I work with my coaching clients on. That's my sweet spot. I love it. Because as I mentioned, I have been there.
Now the first thing that we would do in this sort of environment would be really identify the lie that you've believed to be true about yourself, your calling and your purpose, like where did it come from? What was the root cause? What were the words spoken? Yeah, sometimes that can be a bit painful. We don't spend a ton of time there. But we do really identify what it is because we want to know how you felt when emotions come up and really acknowledge and embrace them so that we can weaken those toxic thoughts, that might be kind of going over in your mind that you might be ruminating on.
And then secondly, we speak truth and life into those spaces, by reframing the thoughts by reconceptualizing the memory by helping you to move past it, and really seeing that there is so much more for you.
And then thirdly, and sometimes this can be the hardest one, but it's taking action, it's actually stepping out and doing the thing. It's actually putting yourself out there.
So identify what it is reframe, and then move into action. And I know that it might get hard. But I want you to trust your instincts, and allow your instincts, Holy Spirit, whatever you call it, to lead you back to the truth of who you are. Because the truth of who you are, the essence of who you are, is still there, even if it's been damaged, or tainted or broken, shattered into a million pieces.
And I really believe that it's so important to be in a trusted relationship with your therapist, your coach or mentor and I have talked about this time and time again, like I really, really need to be led instinctively, to the right people. I've even more recently declined being in a program because I just didn't feel like he was right. And then I wondered, later, I was like, I wonder if it was just like there was something was out of alignment there and that maybe I was being spared from it. And I just felt like I shouldn't be in it.
Because I've been in other relationships where I had that feeling like that hold back, Andrea, and I didn't, and I got really hurt. So sometimes we just gotta trust our gut instinct. But when you're in a trust relationship, like the one that I had with Jackie, like the one I've had with my therapists, Carrie and Lynn, my coaches, Kate and Kathy, my pastors, Pastor, Michael, Pastor Don, it is possible to overcome those painful experiences, and those negative words that have been spoken to you. And to learn that you don't have to have the walls up and have those defense mechanisms operating all of the time.
And now, not only am I asking for my coach to show me my blind spots, and really asking for my therapist to give me feedback, but I've also engaged in that with my friends, like I've sent them, you know, email saying, like, would you speak into my life in this area, and tell me what you see that maybe I'm not seeing. And sometimes it's hard to read what they're writing me back. But honestly, I ask people who are honest and transparent, and are not going to hold back and are not worried about whether or not we're going to be friends or not, in the end, inviting them into that space in my life, because I have received enough healing to allow them to speak into my life. And that does not mean that I do not get defensive at times. Because I definitely do get triggered. And I'm still working on that I'm not a perfect human being, I definitely have work in that area to do.
But I want to encourage you that not all negative feedback is about you. Sometimes, more often than not, it's about the other person. And when you're really getting the feedback that you need. It's usually in a trusted relationship with a trusted person who is seeing your blind spots, and you're in relationship with them. So that you can actually not only see them, but you can shift them and you can do things differently and be the person you really desire to be. So I want to encourage you if you've gone through this hurt, reach out to a therapist, a coach, mentor, reach out to me, I'd love to chat with you.
Whatever you've been through whatever you've gone through. I'm so sorry that that has been your journey. But I know that I know that I know that it can be used to not only shift where you are, but to propel you into where you're going. So much love for you. If you want to take the next step. I would love to chat with you.
Let's Schedule A 30 minute strategy session if you're looking to get into coaching more long term, or if you just know Andrea want a quick win. I have a coaching session that I've designed specifically for that and you can look at both For those at my website, Andrea crisp.ca forward slash schedule. And I thank you so much for hanging out with me today. Make sure you connect with me on Instagram at Andrea Crisp coach and at the dot courage cast. Until next time remember, you have everything you need to live bravely.
